I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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