I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
