Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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