So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
