I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
