i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
