OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
