K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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