well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
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Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once