I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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