I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
