Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
