This girl is more easily done than said...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
