Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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