Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
