I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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