so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
