You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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