we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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