i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
