i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
