pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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