I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
