im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
