I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
