I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Enjoy the penises
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
