1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
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We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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