i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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