I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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