That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
