So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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