There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
