Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
