her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
