omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
