then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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