fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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