Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
