haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
