im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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