Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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