my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
