Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
