there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
