my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
