fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
