Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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