please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
