i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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