still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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