Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
