Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
