Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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