He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
