I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
