i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
