When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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